The Role of Empathy During Difficult Conversations at Work
/You and I are always faced with difficult conversations at work. Perhaps we have to talk with our boss about a project of ours that is not going well, maybe we have to discuss a poor performance rating or perhaps we have to speak with an upset customer.
And no matter if you are able to prepare for them or if you are surprised, difficult conversations are always uncomfortable for everyone involved because of feelings of stress and fear. Stress and fear are also two of the strongest emotions we have along with happiness, sadness, anger and surprise. Examples of stress and fear at work include:
Feeling incompetent
Goals for advancement are being overlooked, or perhaps having to disappoint someone
Being attacked, humiliated and/or disrespected
Feeling left behind, we don’t matter and/or are not considered part of the team
Not growing / learning
Being taken advantage of
Successful Difficult Conversations Begin with Empathy
No matter what part you are playing during the difficult conversation, a good outcome will always include empathy. Using empathy means pausing, even if just for a moment, to understand your own needs, beliefs and feelings. To quote Socrates, “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” When you know yourself you will know when you have to be firm and when you can choose to be creative and compromise. Empathy during difficult conversations will always help you find clarity, be respectful and give you choice how you act and what you say.
In addition to knowing your own needs, beliefs and feelings, here are 8 ways we can all demonstrate our empathy during a difficult conversation at work:
Be prepared to respond with thoughtful intention versus react based on impulse.
Have the conversation in the safest (emotional and physical) space possible for each of you (timing as well). Make sure you both have the opportunity to provide your full attention.
Let the other person know your work relationship is important and you want to understand the situation and partner with them as best each of you can to find a resolution.
Listen without interruption as your partner describes their feelings about the subject. Maintain good eye contact (without staring) and pay close attention. Nod your head and use supporting phrases like “I understand”, “I see” and “Tell me more.”
Confirm your understanding:
Use your own words to repeat their core message (their goals, beliefs, needs, feelings) as you understand them. I recommend against repeating back exactly what someone said because that does not show you understand.
Use Affect Labeling (put your feelings into words) to reflect what you understand
Pause before responding. Instead of immediately responding, imagine what the other person may be feeling.
Validate their feelings with a statement like, “It seems like you are feeling upset because…” Note: This doesn’t mean you do or you have to agree with them. At this stage your job is to show them respect, gather information and do your best to understand their needs, beliefs and feelings.
Recognize that they may only need someone to listen to them, not someone who will help them solve their problem.
Our Shared Empathy is in Jeopardy.
Over the last 40 years studies have shown that empathy is in decline. Researcher Sara Konrath found that over the time of one of her studies of American college students between 1979 and 2009, that empathy levels dropped 40% with the steepest decline in empathy over the last decade of the study.
Fast forward to 2020 / 2021 and the impact of Covid-19 on our workplaces and how we communicate is making matters worse. Whether we are working from an office or working remotely, more than ever our communication is online and through smart devices. As we spend time isolated from friends, family and coworkers we simply don’t have as many opportunities to learn empathy (especially for our youth), recognize empathy and practice empathy. All of this added to a long list of other personal and professional stresses of living through a pandemic.
Conclusion
My conclusion is rather simple. Pause, reflect and practice.
Pause for a moment and remind yourself what your values are and what is important to you. What do you want your reputation to be?
Reflect on what the micro and macro world is like around you. How is your environment impacting you? What is important to the people in your circle? How might they be feeling and what may they be needing?
Practice empathy every chance you get. Be intentional about practicing empathy in low stress or even very happy times. Feel what it is like to be alert and intentionally mindful of what your are needing, believing and feelings and what others may be needing, believing and feelings.
Thank you for reading about The Role of Empathy During Difficult Conversations at Work.
Bruce
Other articles in this series include:
About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.
Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.
Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Difficult Conversations, Crucial Conversations or Conflict Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.
Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.
